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a brief break in photos...

Yesturday I got some bad news...

My engine head gasket was not the only part to have gone.. in fact it seems like it may have gone because of other problems. The head and base blocks of the engine are both corroded beyond repair. What does that mean? It means my engine is one big lump of scrap iron and steel.


When I was told yesterday it felt like I had most of the engine block sitting in my gut... a new engine would leave almost no change from one thousand pounds. There was no hope of that. I know my parents said they would help with the cost.. but thats beyond both of us.

I mean the car is only worth about 1,500 anyhow.

Needless to say I had a very sick moment. I need a car. I need a car to work, and have money. There's very little chance of getting my company to stump for a rental for the rest of the work period... There is hope however. I've looked about online for a used engine. I didn't find much joy, but I sent a few queries off to some dealers as well.

Well late last night I got a few responces (why that late I don't know.. but hey) inc VAT (sales tax) a low mileage engine would cost me about £330. and probably nearly that to fit it.

Ok so not great news... but better. At least its not the price of the car now. *sighs*

My parents have said they will help out with the cost.. but I hate the fact that they have to. It leaves me feeling so useless and impotent. Its the worst posible timing as well.. I was looking forward to going ot the US, and while I still am.. I know it will not be as easy as it could have been.

Hopefully I'll get a job out there nice and quickly... hey I can dream.

Because right now my dreams are the only part of my life that I can hold on to and provide any kind of positive light at the end of the tunnel. One of those dreams that is becoming reality is living in the US with Avi. Cancelling going ot the US is just not an option.. in any way. Without going there, seeing Avionne again, hopefully getting a job.. I really have no other things to hold on to right now. They are my driving goals atm.

Without them I don't know what I'd do...


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
9th May, 2003 05:05 (UTC)
Yeah cars can be a bitch, but as I said last night, at least you will save money on petrol if you're without a car. And let's face it, it's not like you're living in the middle of the Scottish Hielands where your closest neighbour is a squillion miles away. There's ways around your current predicament.

Also I thought you had decided, after talking to me last night, that fixing up your car now and spending oodles of money on it would be just silly since there's a good chance of you staying in the US permanently. Is it worth spending all that money for something you may only use for a month and a half?

Frankly, your problems aren't all that bad, certainly not what I would consider life or sanity threatening, which is what you seem to be implying in this post. While a bit of melodrama is good at times, it's important to put things in perspective: you are in good health, you have a job which earns you money, you live with your parents and yes I know you pay board but let's face it, were you stuck they would help you out. This means you have a roof over your head and aren't about to go hungry anytime soon. You have a fair number of creature comforts and a gf (albeit not near you) who loves you. While I understand that at times we hit the bottom, I think it's a little selfish to bemoan how unfair things are when really the latest trigger to your feeling like this is a noisy, polluting, expensive vehicle which has decided to bite the dust.
9th May, 2003 08:23 (UTC)
Yes agreed. I know all these things.. but aside from Avionne, none of them really helps how I feel does it?

And yes, I know its selfish and narrow viewed... but then again that still doesn't help if you are feeling it.

Which is why I wrote it. Its how I feel.

As for job - I have no job if I have no transport. There is no way Viewpoint would stump for the rental for the rest of the contract.. its too expensive. Plus there is no bus service to Ongar anymore and the road is not cyclable if I want to stay alive. Since we spoke the practicalities of having no transport have been made abundantly clear to me. No transport is not an option. Sadly.. because yes, that did seem sensible and a good solution at the time.

It even perked me up a bit that conv, so thanks.

Yes the problems I have aren't that bad in the scheme of things.. hell I can probably find people in this street that have worse problems than me. However in one respect they are not worse.. because they are not mine. I know that is selfish, but empathy is something different to experienceing stuff.

Perhaps that last paragraph is melodramatic.. but then I was feeling that way when I wrote it. It's not just the car, it's about a lot of other things - mostly its about hope, and I'm holding onto things right now as tightly as I can because I have hope in them. I don't want to have those goals vanish on me, no matter how temporary the disapearance. Selfish? Fine, I won't argue that.

I'm sure I'd survive whatever happens and come out in the end eventually - it wouldn't be much of a trial really. I'm not suggesting that I wouldn't.. I just don't want to have yet another year of my life wasted.

Thats what really depresses me.. not the fact the car is kaput. Its just crystalised it for me... what am I doing and what am I working for.. I know what I'm aiming for, and this is a stumbling block on the path to it. Thats all.
9th May, 2003 08:17 (UTC)
*hugs* It will all work out somehow babe. Good luck with that engine!
9th May, 2003 08:28 (UTC)
Thanks.. its annoying to have to spend money that I need elsewhere on a car I'm not going to be using once I get to the states.. for at least 3 months (more obviously if when I get a job).. actually more than that its frustrating. Because atm everything comes down to money...


But yeah.. I'll live. We all need a little melodrama in our lives right?
9th May, 2003 10:16 (UTC)
Is there no way you could get away without a car? Like, take public transport to work? Or does your job require you to have a car?

Because it would certainly make things easier if you could do without a car for awhile since you're just going to be going to the US soon anyway. You know what I mean?
9th May, 2003 11:48 (UTC)
Oh I know exactly what you mean. rinnywee and I hadthat exact conversation very recently (see above for a mention of it).

Unfortualty my current job is contracted til some point in June.. and yes I need a car for it. Not really any way of not having a car.

Plus my other, part time, job is situation in an area that, while close, is almost impossible to get to without a car.

So.. yeah.. not good.
9th May, 2003 11:04 (UTC)
*hugs* Cars suck. Every car I ever owned gave me problems until I got my S10 and then I totaled it. My current truck is the first decent vehicle I've had that managed to last a while *knock wood*. So, I feel your pain.

Stupid car!
9th May, 2003 11:49 (UTC)
The annoying thing is, is that its a REALLY good car. Even good for now really... leather trim, clean, good ecomomy, electric everything.

And then this happened... crap.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )