June 22nd, 2004

fishy wishy

Once Was Lost...


The following conversation excerpts have been transcribed from FBI audio tapes relating to the disappearance of GREGORY WILD-SMITH, some parts have been censored before being released to the public.

...

AGENT: So Mr [deleted], would you like to go over what you saw again?

WITNESS #1: I... I told you, I don't know. I'm... It’s all very confusing.

AGENT: Nevertheless, please try. When did you last see the man in question?

WITNESS #1: It... I'm pretty sure it was just after MIRIAM left for the states.

AGENT: Miriam. This would be Miss Miriam Wilson? Resident of San Francisco?

WITNESS #1: Err.. yes, that's her. She was flying back home after she'd been with him for two weeks. They were a couple.

AGENT: Indeed. A LDR?

WITNESS #1: Yes.

...

AGENT: Doctor, are you aware of the circumstances and movements leading up to Mr WILD-SMITH's disappearance?

Dr SELDON: In my professional capacity, yes.

AGENT: Would you say they were typical of a man who might have a highly de-habilitating disease? A disease that might culminate in his eventual disappearance?

Dr SELDON: I don't follow you.

AGENT: Trips to London, Hever Castle, Devonshire, Glastonbury, the list goes on. Does that sound usual for someone of his position and condition?

Dr SELDON: No, but then neither does it sound unusual. He was with his girlfriend at the time. Love does strange things to men Agent [deleted].

AGENT: So you feel that his trips may have nothing to do with his condition?

Dr SELDON: Indeed, in fact there is much evidence to support my case. Your superiors have the reports.

...

Later that week a warning was issued to the general public, anyone who had, or thinks they had, come into contact with GREGORY WILD-SMITH was to report for general testing at their local doctors. Citizens were warned against panic, and were assured that it was only routine testing.

The media later confirmed that it appeared to be an isolated case.

...

Dr SELDON: So you see gentlemen, there was no specific reason for this outbreak, rather it was the work of many other smaller, more inconsequential, factors. These combined with his psychological make-up and influences of the time made him more prone to infection.

PRIME MINISTER [deleted]: So has the outbreak been contained? Have we found him?

Dr SELDON: Yes, and he is being treated.

PRESIDENT [deleted]: How serious could this have been doctor?

Dr SELDON: Incredibly. I would go as so far to say that this is possibly the most serious case of LAZY-ASS-ITIS I have ever seen. We should all be thankful it didn't spread further.

[deleted]: Gentlemen, I thank you for attending. It seems this crisis has been averted, and we all learned vital lessons about how to prevent it from spreading in the future..

PRESIDENT [deleted]: Prevent it? I want to CULTIVATE it! Imagine the effect this could have if given to a voting populace!

[deleted]: Hmmm....

...

GREGORY WILD-SMITH was last seen in his bedroom, applying for jobs. He lives continually under the shadow of a potential relapse.