February 13th, 2004

thoughtful

"I saw him and he made me laugh"

So its Valentines Day tomorrow, a saints sacrifice and all that.

I've never been a big one for Valentines, I think that's mostly because I've rarely been with anyone when it rolls around. Plus I'm of the opinion that there is more to romance than money.. tho that makes romantic gestures easier of cource.

Why limit romance to one day either? Its like the get out clause for relationships... anyhow, thats not really what I wanted to talk about.

Cleaning and tidying today, having a bit of a clear out. I found a valentines card from last year.. brought me up short. I've said it before, but its amazing how much can change in one year. I've kept the card, I'm not entirely sure why.. but I didn't want to get rid of it. Maybe that says something about me... maybe not. I dunno.

I guess I've been thinking about hope recently and, in some way, this focused those feelings to one specific area. I'll tell you what I miss.. companionship. Knowing there was someone else there, and the promise of new horizons. The fear was gone for that time.

I've always feared being alone, yet I often am. Even when I'm with someone.

I tend to lock up my thoughts and feelings very close, posibly its a male thing. I think I'm better at expressing stuff than many guys, but certainly we all suck at it for the most part. However I don't think its all that. As cmpriest and anyone who was at the various gatherings I attended while in TN can attest to.. I can be a chattybitch, this doesn't always mean that I'm saying what I want to be tho.

I have a fear of silences, I fill them nervously with utter shite, I think thats one reason I remember trivia.. its a good conversation filler. But its also deeper than that, while I jabber away no-one is asking questions that will actually mean I have to open up and actually show myself in any raw way. I leave that to my writing, my stories, the plays I run through in my head.

Pick any five minutes in my life and I will weave you a story.. I'm good at coming up with plots and characters, epic themes, simple morality tales. I've had nearly 24 years of bouncing around in my own imagination to hone it to a razors edge.. but where has it got me?

I guess I fear the future. Or at least... uncertainty.

This is probably the most honest entry I've posted in a long while... yet reading it back it seems like pyschobabble bullshit and I've nearly deleted it twice. For once I'm going to post it though.

Happy Valentines to you all, hope you enjoy it with someone.
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