NEW YORK (Reuters) -
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International
Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press
conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who
has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez said. "They desire solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute
value. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as
'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the
axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer
Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'" When asked to
comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have
better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and
toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more profound
statement ever made by the president.
