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Once Was Lost...

The following conversation excerpts have been transcribed from FBI audio tapes relating to the disappearance of GREGORY WILD-SMITH, some parts have been censored before being released to the public.


AGENT: So Mr [deleted], would you like to go over what you saw again?

WITNESS #1: I... I told you, I don't know. I'm... It’s all very confusing.

AGENT: Nevertheless, please try. When did you last see the man in question?

WITNESS #1: It... I'm pretty sure it was just after MIRIAM left for the states.

AGENT: Miriam. This would be Miss Miriam Wilson? Resident of San Francisco?

WITNESS #1: Err.. yes, that's her. She was flying back home after she'd been with him for two weeks. They were a couple.

AGENT: Indeed. A LDR?

WITNESS #1: Yes.


AGENT: Doctor, are you aware of the circumstances and movements leading up to Mr WILD-SMITH's disappearance?

Dr SELDON: In my professional capacity, yes.

AGENT: Would you say they were typical of a man who might have a highly de-habilitating disease? A disease that might culminate in his eventual disappearance?

Dr SELDON: I don't follow you.

AGENT: Trips to London, Hever Castle, Devonshire, Glastonbury, the list goes on. Does that sound usual for someone of his position and condition?

Dr SELDON: No, but then neither does it sound unusual. He was with his girlfriend at the time. Love does strange things to men Agent [deleted].

AGENT: So you feel that his trips may have nothing to do with his condition?

Dr SELDON: Indeed, in fact there is much evidence to support my case. Your superiors have the reports.


Later that week a warning was issued to the general public, anyone who had, or thinks they had, come into contact with GREGORY WILD-SMITH was to report for general testing at their local doctors. Citizens were warned against panic, and were assured that it was only routine testing.

The media later confirmed that it appeared to be an isolated case.


Dr SELDON: So you see gentlemen, there was no specific reason for this outbreak, rather it was the work of many other smaller, more inconsequential, factors. These combined with his psychological make-up and influences of the time made him more prone to infection.

PRIME MINISTER [deleted]: So has the outbreak been contained? Have we found him?

Dr SELDON: Yes, and he is being treated.

PRESIDENT [deleted]: How serious could this have been doctor?

Dr SELDON: Incredibly. I would go as so far to say that this is possibly the most serious case of LAZY-ASS-ITIS I have ever seen. We should all be thankful it didn't spread further.

[deleted]: Gentlemen, I thank you for attending. It seems this crisis has been averted, and we all learned vital lessons about how to prevent it from spreading in the future..

PRESIDENT [deleted]: Prevent it? I want to CULTIVATE it! Imagine the effect this could have if given to a voting populace!

[deleted]: Hmmm....


GREGORY WILD-SMITH was last seen in his bedroom, applying for jobs. He lives continually under the shadow of a potential relapse.


( 22 comments — Leave a comment )
22nd Jun, 2004 10:35 (UTC)

Dr SELDON: Mr. President, I think we have another one...

22nd Jun, 2004 14:59 (UTC)
hahaha! *claps*

So YOU are the one that gave it to me! ;)
22nd Jun, 2004 16:40 (UTC)
Dr SELDON: There seems to be two of them now, although there is some dispute as to the origin of the infection. The currect theories suggest that it is a self-propagating and perpetuating infection that develops in communities rather than individuals, were this to be proved true, the implications could be quite catastrophic.

PRIME-MINISTER [NAME DELETED]: Are you saying that we may have an epidemic on our hands soon?

PRESIDENT [NAME DELETED]: Wait a minute, are you saying that my population could be reduced to gibbering wrecks, lacking in any free will and motivation, at any time?


Dr SELDON: Yes, that is the worst case scenario. in case of that eventuality I have prepared an initiative to preserve what is left of civilisation, I call it the Founda...

Okay, sorry dude - I think I'm getting carried away with this. :D
22nd Jun, 2004 16:45 (UTC)
naww... not at all, just drawing it out to its logical conclusion.

The question is, where is the Foundation based? The Second Foundation would logically be based here on LJ. The first? Well.. probably somewhere on a server for small sites...

... GeoCities!
22nd Jun, 2004 17:04 (UTC)
Well, with the Foundations in place it looks like we'll be fine.

Instead of the 30,000 year interregnum of lazy-ass-itis, we've reduced it to a mere 1,000.

So chin-up dude, 1,000 years and we'll be right as rain. :D
22nd Jun, 2004 17:15 (UTC)
but this is INTERNET time, so thats.. what?

Like.. 5 years or something?
22nd Jun, 2004 18:07 (UTC)
Yes, that sounds about right - 5 years.

I'll be going to sleep much happier now that I know that this is all part of the Grand Plan. And if anyone has a go at me for my lazy-ass-itis? Why I'll tell 'em "just me interregnum mate, you'll see in 5 years".
22nd Jun, 2004 10:54 (UTC)
Another addendum:

Intelligence Officer: Mr. President, we have reports that this outbreak has started to spread into the States.
22nd Jun, 2004 10:54 (UTC)
haha!! welcome back to lj land greg! now, get off your ass and do something before the world is in danger again!! ;-)
22nd Jun, 2004 15:00 (UTC)
*rubs his hands together evilly*

What to do, what to do... ;)
22nd Jun, 2004 10:58 (UTC)
I think it's safe to say...we could switch citizenships and be nae bothered.

Not that I don't like mine or you yours...but it would solve loads of problems. :)

Glad you're happy Greg. *hugs*
(Deleted comment)
22nd Jun, 2004 15:04 (UTC)
Hmm, well yes, but not really at the same time.

I'm trying to find a job ANYWHERE tbh. Obviously if something comes up I'll jump at it tho.

Frankly if I mailed Mars again and a job was there.. well whoo to that, I'd get to be at Chattavegas again, and hang out with you and the crazy gang. Its closer than here, y'know?
22nd Jun, 2004 11:34 (UTC)
you are such a BIG DORK ;) but that's why i love you. you win the award for most creative post to describe your lengthy three week long LJ disappearance. you should be very proud of yourself for actually MAKING one. i was gonna give you another month...maaaaybe two
22nd Jun, 2004 11:45 (UTC)
Later that week a warning was issued to the general public, anyone who had, or thinks they had, come into contact with GREGORY WILD-SMITH was to report for general testing at their local doctors.

so this means the next time i feel lazy, i'm blaming it on you. unless i built up an immunity to it when i was there ;)
22nd Jun, 2004 15:05 (UTC)
Oooo... I've unwittingly given you the perfect excuse!
22nd Jun, 2004 11:47 (UTC)
But see how utterly faboo they look together?

22nd Jun, 2004 16:28 (UTC)
AGENT: Indeed. A LDR?

what's an "LDR"?
22nd Jun, 2004 16:34 (UTC)
Long Distance Relationship.
22nd Jun, 2004 17:49 (UTC)

those can hurt. good luck! :)
22nd Jun, 2004 17:52 (UTC)
thanks hon, and yeah they can. Don't worry, once bitten twice shy and all that...
22nd Jun, 2004 19:46 (UTC)
i know exactly what that means :(
22nd Jun, 2004 22:03 (UTC)
Welcome back! Sure got quiet around here with you gone. I swear LJ Land has crickets, I could hear them very clearly at times ;-)

I was in an LDR a few years ago, it was both horrible and wonderful at the same time. Each time he left it would practically shred my soul, but our reunions were indescribably wonderful. Looking back, as painful as it sometimes got, I wouldn't change a thing. Annnd if your lucky, it will make you cherish that person all the more when you finally do get to be together for good.

eeek - sorry for the mushiness!
( 22 comments — Leave a comment )