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"I saw him and he made me laugh"

So its Valentines Day tomorrow, a saints sacrifice and all that.

I've never been a big one for Valentines, I think that's mostly because I've rarely been with anyone when it rolls around. Plus I'm of the opinion that there is more to romance than money.. tho that makes romantic gestures easier of cource.

Why limit romance to one day either? Its like the get out clause for relationships... anyhow, thats not really what I wanted to talk about.

Cleaning and tidying today, having a bit of a clear out. I found a valentines card from last year.. brought me up short. I've said it before, but its amazing how much can change in one year. I've kept the card, I'm not entirely sure why.. but I didn't want to get rid of it. Maybe that says something about me... maybe not. I dunno.

I guess I've been thinking about hope recently and, in some way, this focused those feelings to one specific area. I'll tell you what I miss.. companionship. Knowing there was someone else there, and the promise of new horizons. The fear was gone for that time.

I've always feared being alone, yet I often am. Even when I'm with someone.

I tend to lock up my thoughts and feelings very close, posibly its a male thing. I think I'm better at expressing stuff than many guys, but certainly we all suck at it for the most part. However I don't think its all that. As cmpriest and anyone who was at the various gatherings I attended while in TN can attest to.. I can be a chattybitch, this doesn't always mean that I'm saying what I want to be tho.

I have a fear of silences, I fill them nervously with utter shite, I think thats one reason I remember trivia.. its a good conversation filler. But its also deeper than that, while I jabber away no-one is asking questions that will actually mean I have to open up and actually show myself in any raw way. I leave that to my writing, my stories, the plays I run through in my head.

Pick any five minutes in my life and I will weave you a story.. I'm good at coming up with plots and characters, epic themes, simple morality tales. I've had nearly 24 years of bouncing around in my own imagination to hone it to a razors edge.. but where has it got me?

I guess I fear the future. Or at least... uncertainty.

This is probably the most honest entry I've posted in a long while... yet reading it back it seems like pyschobabble bullshit and I've nearly deleted it twice. For once I'm going to post it though.

Happy Valentines to you all, hope you enjoy it with someone.


( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
13th Feb, 2004 09:56 (UTC)
thanks hon.. and yeah, I understand Jym can be picky ;)

I guess I'm just in a vent mode.. y'know?
13th Feb, 2004 09:42 (UTC)
I saw you...and you made me laugh.
(after you were done laughing at my geeking about the accent. ;) )

You're a fun guy...don't doubt it.
13th Feb, 2004 09:58 (UTC)
aww thanks.. I'm not so much doubting that.. I know who I am. One of the only things that I am sure about atm I guess.

I guess the post is less about how I appear.. more how I feel.
13th Feb, 2004 10:05 (UTC)
Ah, fair enough. :)
13th Feb, 2004 10:19 (UTC)
How's my Jyll doing in cold chicago? We never talk anymore! *cries dramatically*
13th Feb, 2004 14:19 (UTC)
I'm good. :)
It is terribly cold today...wind off the lake, or something. I guess I'm not a real Chicagoan yet.

I'll try to be around more on IM. yes, yes...

13th Feb, 2004 11:03 (UTC)
I have a fear of silences, I fill them nervously with utter shite, I think thats one reason I remember trivia.. its a good conversation filler
wow! me too! i hate silence. thats why i talk and talk and talk and hum on the phone when anyone puts me on hold

I've never been a big one for Valentines
too late, you already said you'd be my valentine
and you're my bacontine too ;)
13th Feb, 2004 11:19 (UTC)
heh.,. .but which one is more important to you?

Bacon... or valen ;)
13th Feb, 2004 11:37 (UTC)
aaaaw....don't make me choose
thats why i said both in the first place
13th Feb, 2004 11:48 (UTC)
haha... somehow I knew you'd say that ;)
13th Feb, 2004 12:00 (UTC)
I know fear is a big issue, but i'm only gonna say this once.. you're only 24, far too young to be worried about being alone. Don't stress, live life and the right people will fill in the spaces. I'm 32 and I gave up on the fear.. it took too much time and effort away from fun and living.
13th Feb, 2004 20:41 (UTC)
*nods* Oh I know you're right... but I guess knowing and doing are two different things.

Part of it is that I feel I'm stuck in a rut (I am) and don't see a way out of it.
13th Feb, 2004 12:21 (UTC)
I feel you.
13th Feb, 2004 15:20 (UTC)
Valentines Day was invented for men who were to scared to propose.

seriously though, my sig. other and I are gonna hang with friends instead of going out. That is more important. :) being with peeps you care about. just cause.
13th Feb, 2004 23:32 (UTC)
a rut, eh? well I don't know your history, but from your post i gather that last year this time there was a woman in your life and this year there is not. Well that just goes to show how much can change ina year. Who knows what you'll be doing this time next year. I personally am incapable of knowing what I'll be doing this time next week due to my currently unstable life situation. But I see it as opportunity and a chance to explore. Do the things you couldn't do whilst 'involved'. You know.. enjoy your singleness while you have it and all that.. or completely disregard everything i've just said as I'm several drinks to the wind right now and probably don't make a whole lot of sense.. but hopefully I was still able to spell.
19th Feb, 2004 14:12 (UTC)
Long time no speak Greg. I hope everything is ok and hopefully I will speak to you soon. We will have to arrange clubbing in London sometime!
Louise xxx
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )