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Its my last night in Tennessee.

In reflection? I'll tell you when my mind settles.

I've so many things bouncing in my head all jostling for attention that I'm not sure what to think right now. Overall though.. I'm sad. Sad that it didn't work out on too many levels, sad that I have to leave this beautiful place, sad that I have to leave the friends I have made here.

My whole body is buzzing right now, that nervous buzz like just before you go on stage, or the feeling you get in your fingers before you have to give a big speach. Part of it is regret, but more I think it is because that whatever happens from here is uncertain. Not that anything was sure before, but I had a plan. It may not have been a great plan, but it was there. Now? I don't know.

There was no Plan B so I guess I'm kind of nervous about what is going to happen from now on, a kind of stage fright. Frightened of life, like a 6 year old kid who finds out for the first time that he's gonna die. Buzzing in the same uncertain way that he felt each night when his mother turned out the light after he knew.. because all he knew was that he didn't know anything.

I remember being that boy. I was scared. I'm scared now.

But unlike then now I can do something. What goes from here is, at least in part, down to me. I don't know when I'll be back in Chattanooga, but I damn well will be back. Maybe not this year, but I plan to spend a thanksgiving somewhere, and enjoy some good ol' southern hospitality again.

I may be leaving, but I ain't gone.

What I have to do from here is get a job, and that may be a pain in the ass.. hell I'm sure its going to be a pain in the ass, but I'll get something. It may not be much to start with, and I know I'll have to deal with living with the parents again (urgh) but I will make it out of there and I will get onto my own two feet. Perhaps I'll have to start by finding them on English soil rather than US first, but thats ok. I can deal with that... I've seen the end of the rainbow, I've been damn close to that pot of gold.. and yes, I had to turn away.

But like Arnold says...

I'll be back.

and you better fucking believe it...


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
10th Aug, 2003 20:07 (UTC)
The best of luck, darling! I have faith in you!!
10th Aug, 2003 21:01 (UTC)
I am so incredibly sad for you, but I believe you'll get there. You have the determination and motivation to follow your heart. I have that too, but I forget it's there sometimes. I really admire you for not giving up. Hope it all works out sooner than you think. [hug]
10th Aug, 2003 21:39 (UTC)
Man, I was soooo looking forward to exploring Chicago with you.
Ah, well. Maybe some of us can sneak across the pond and visit.

Have a good trip.
10th Aug, 2003 22:06 (UTC)
I'd like that :)
11th Aug, 2003 00:11 (UTC)
Good Luck
Have a safe flight back my friend and I hope you comeback soon. I wish that I got to see you before you left but I'm sure I will see you again someday. I will miss you and some day I hope we will have the oppurtunity to go Keraoking together. :)
11th Aug, 2003 08:02 (UTC)
Damn. You leave for two weeks and the whole world goes topsy turvy. What happened to your job? Why are you leaving? I feel like crying because things obviously didn't work out and it makes me sad for you, because I knew how much you wanted this.

Please fill me in.

I WILL see you next time I'm in England (if you are still there.) I will make sure of it. You live near London, right?

Good luck. Crap.
11th Aug, 2003 09:10 (UTC)
I do indeed live near London. About 30mins away from the center by train.

To find out what happen just read back in my journal, pretty simple, but complex to explain.

my attitude atm is - well.. it sucks, but there ya go...
11th Aug, 2003 14:27 (UTC)
It sucks to have you leave. We were just getting so close! :)

I don't know that I'd call Chattanooga a pot o' gold, but if you make it back things'll be a little shinier.

That was a godawful pun. I'm stopping here.
12th Aug, 2003 12:44 (UTC)
arrr.. they're after me lucky charms ;)

Naww Chattanooga is a very nice place, sure its not not most jumping place around, but its pretty good.

Plus after having a 'Costa' coffee when I got back here I REALLY miss Greyfriars :)
11th Aug, 2003 17:09 (UTC)
aw:( Well Greg I am sorry that it didn't work out for you this time and that we didn't have another opportunity to play Tekken. It was nice meeting you though. Who knows where any of us will be in years to come.

But Good luck job hunting and I hope you don't get a job you hate to begin with.
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )