In reflection? I'll tell you when my mind settles.
I've so many things bouncing in my head all jostling for attention that I'm not sure what to think right now. Overall though.. I'm sad. Sad that it didn't work out on too many levels, sad that I have to leave this beautiful place, sad that I have to leave the friends I have made here.
My whole body is buzzing right now, that nervous buzz like just before you go on stage, or the feeling you get in your fingers before you have to give a big speach. Part of it is regret, but more I think it is because that whatever happens from here is uncertain. Not that anything was sure before, but I had a plan. It may not have been a great plan, but it was there. Now? I don't know.
There was no Plan B so I guess I'm kind of nervous about what is going to happen from now on, a kind of stage fright. Frightened of life, like a 6 year old kid who finds out for the first time that he's gonna die. Buzzing in the same uncertain way that he felt each night when his mother turned out the light after he knew.. because all he knew was that he didn't know anything.
I remember being that boy. I was scared. I'm scared now.
But unlike then now I can do something. What goes from here is, at least in part, down to me. I don't know when I'll be back in Chattanooga, but I damn well will be back. Maybe not this year, but I plan to spend a thanksgiving somewhere, and enjoy some good ol' southern hospitality again.
I may be leaving, but I ain't gone.
What I have to do from here is get a job, and that may be a pain in the ass.. hell I'm sure its going to be a pain in the ass, but I'll get something. It may not be much to start with, and I know I'll have to deal with living with the parents again (urgh) but I will make it out of there and I will get onto my own two feet. Perhaps I'll have to start by finding them on English soil rather than US first, but thats ok. I can deal with that... I've seen the end of the rainbow, I've been damn close to that pot of gold.. and yes, I had to turn away.
But like Arnold says...
I'll be back.
and you better fucking believe it...