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The First Testimony of Steve

Steve?In the beginning there was darkness, later there was light, it mattered not to Steve. High above the firmament Steve watched the light dawn and saw humanity rise from His leavings.

Humanity was raw, uncivilized, aggressive. Steve saw his creation fight one-another over the bounty he had provided them and was angered. He spread his wings and fell below.

Humanity saw his decent from the skies and they were frightened. He landed amongst them, folded his wings and declared to the first men the Word Of Steve.

“Thou shalt not be a douchebag.” And lo, Steve did enter their hearts and humanity was blessed with divine understanding! With the love of Him in their hearts humanity flourished; developing all kinds of things that pleased Steve, and some that didn't. As he is a loving fruitbat he merely raised one eyebrow in disapproval at the displeasing things, and ate a Mango.

However Steve saw they meant well but were imperfect creatures. This pleased him, for they strived and in striving became more than they were, however humanity could not work well together - their flaws ground against each other and so He made a choice.

In his wisdom he spread his mighty wings and beat out a mighty wind - spreading humanity across the world. For he loved them, like he loved all things sweet and squishy.

After many years of watching humanity he called together The Council Of Writers for they were wise, impressionable, witty, and above all else were blessed with things that pleased Him - the ability to merge in traffic and a love of Doritos. For the chips were his sacrament, his wings, his glory, to be consumed in his name.

He spread to them the Battitudes which they delivered and they were spread to the world by The First Prophet Of Steve.
  1. Blessed are the fabulous, for they shall have doors opened for them everywhere.
  2. Blessed are the groovy, for they shall get down forever.
  3. Blessed are the goths, for they come pre-accessorized for this faith.
  4. Blessed are Doritos, for they are shaped like his mighty wings.
  5. Let there be no tithes nor donation for Steve. For Steve needs not the cash.
  6. Mercy upon the ones who correctly use their blinkers.
  7. Salvation be upon those who doth merge in traffic correctly.
  8. Blessed are salespeople who doth leave you alone whilst you tryon clothes.
  9. Blessed are the bar-keeps who do not skimp the sauce.
  10. Blessed are those who share their Doritos, and so his love, with others.
But The Council of Writers also issued stern warnings:
  1. Steve abhors a faux-hawk.
  2. He is much offended by posers who roll up one pants leg even though they haven’t ridden a bicycle since third grade.
  3. He loathes a man in a neckerchief.
  4. Steve does not ever want to hear you shout, “WOOOOO!” in a crowded elevator just because you’re drunk and it’s Vegas and you’re with your girlfriends. This does not please him at all.
  5. High-heeled flip-flops are an abomination.
The Council were wise, and Steve was loving. So the world let him into their hearts and saw that Steve was Good.